Can we please just have a tornado already??

I love tornado season. I think so many people miss out and don't quite know how to appreciate the beauty of one of nature's most destructive phenomena. Now I'm not the type of person who wishes death and destruction on anybody. (Well there might be a couple of people... Who doesn't feel that way?) But I am somebody who could sit and get as close as humanly possible to a tornado if I could just to feel nature rush over me. And before you ask, no I don't have a death wish. I save all my death wishes for having heart to hearts with friends and telling people how I really feel about them.

Today we were under a severe weather alert. Sadly, no tornado watch or anything like that. I went to dinner tonight with two friends and on the way home you could see the biggest, darkest storm cloud resting over Wichita. It is one of the most gloomiest I have seen over the past couple of years. To make it even more special, there was a beautiful display of lightning. You would think that even though it was so "severe" looking, that it was going to be a real doozy, but not tonight. I have been sitting here with my head resting against the window listening to that particular way the rain hits the house and the neighbor's driveway. It is the most soothing sound. Every minute or so there is very subtle thunder that comes in to make itself known. The window shakes ever so gently, making no more noise or movement than I would make exhaling in my own peaceful sleep. 

Sometimes in the summer I leave the window open when it rains and I feel the drops gently hit my face when I lay down. I wonder sometimes if it rains on my face so I don't have to waste my tears. Like something out there gives me silent acknowledgement of my fears and weaknesses. I feel like there are certain things about storms that are just like me. I sit and stew in my own upset or angry feelings, like gentle thunder rolling in. I get myself excited in my anger and I start to throw lightning bolts, and then the louder thunder comes to announce my presence in the situation. And then there's the final apex of it all, when the rain comes from my eyes. Sometimes the rain doesn't stop.

I find myself at six and seven and I wonder if the confusion will ever go away...

The Beginning of One Very Long Rant

I keep telling myself that I'm gonna start this blog. I said I was gonna do it in December, then January 1st, then blah blah blah. Maybe instead of waiting for the new year on the calendar, I was waiting for the official first day of the next year of my life. I don't know. I sometimes feel like this is all just one long text message, and no matter how much thought and soul I put into it, the only response I will get will be a "K" or something similar. I'm not sitting and writing this for you. I'm just putting this out there, hopefully not bothering anyone.

I learned a very valuable lesson last year. If you have something to say, just say it. Don't expect your feelings to be welcomed by everyone involved, and don't expect them to say anything back. That's not the point. If you just let your feelings and emotions accumulate exponentially about something or someone, and you don't tell them, it's going to make you incredibly miserable. Just get that crap off of your chest, pee on it, and move on. It's still gonna sit inside you for a long time and make your days full of misery, but each day it is a little less, and that's what makes it somewhat bearable.

Yesterday was my birthday. Well technically less than two hours ago it was. I realized that birthdays really do have significance even if they feel like they don't. It isn't hard at all to sit down and try to calculate your worth to someone based on how they treat you on your birthday. There are people you used to be good friends with, who used to know your special day by heart. Now these people only "remember" your birthday because Facebook sends them a kind reminder. These people who you used to see every day are now people who wouldn't even recognize you in passing. Then there are people who you currently see every day, that don't even acknowledge your presence. Plenty of people who you thought cared about you don't even have the courtesy to send you a text message or actually say it to your face when they see you. 

I'm not looking for pity. I know that turning 29 has no particular importance in the scheme of things. The majority of being 28 was an awful experience for me, and 29 doesn't really look that promising. I'm not certain where the change needs to be. I keep telling a friend of mine who is struggling to just "get over it" and things will be better. I should just tell my friend that I absolutely don't know how to take my own advice and that I realize now how cruel it is to say that to someone who is in their own version of hell like me.

I was sitting at work one day last year trying to decide what to call this. It all just popped into my head and became very clear, ironically enough. Nobody seems to know what being "at sixes and sevens" means. I'm not gonna lie, I heard the term on a movie I saw years ago and it didn't make any sense to me then. It's not even a term used now, and I doubt it will ever make a comeback. I guess this is really a place for me to talk out loud, so the title of this particular journal doesn't have to really matter to anyone but me. I used to know what was going on in my life but now I am not so sure. I spend most of my days being dazed and confused, more than anything else. Sometimes I don't know who I am and sometimes I don't really care. Other times I know who I am and I hate me. Not very often do I know who I am and love me at the same time. Most of those moments were fleeting and will probably never happen again. 

So let's set the world on six and seven and get the hell out of here.