The non death wish.

Let's be very very clear. 

At least for the moment.

I do not have a death wish. Well maybe so in the non-traditional sense. Yes I would like to experience the inside of a tornado, yes I would like to skydive, yes I would like to race a fast car around a track. Who doesn't have that death wish sometimes? Okay maybe not the tornado one, but still. While I also have a very interesting fascination with death itself (go read Stiff by Mary Roach), I do not necessarily wish to be dead. 

But there are some days I wish I wasn't alive either. And I mean that in the living, breathing, beating heart kind of sense. Yes I know the inventory and location of every sharp knife in the house, and yes I know how little medicinal assistance you actually need to "take care of business". And if you didn't know that I cook a lot of fresh vegetables that require cutting/slicing, or the fact that my day job is as a pharmacy technician, then you might have legitimate cause for concern. So before you suggest drugs, I've never had long term good luck with antidepressants in particular. They're great up front, but once I reach a point of indifference about my life, then I'm more or less right back to where I started, pre-medicine. And indifference isn't the way to live your life. 

The last 2-3 years of my life have been AWFUL. Straight up terrible. Yeah maybe there were a handful of high points, but not enough that outweighed the low points. And for this long I haven't been comfortable being in my own life. It's not entirely my fault, (shout out to the lying, cheating, abusive husband) but I do accept blame for the majority of it. Things have been nothing short of a hurricane in my life these past years. And why would I want to be alive for shit like this? Truth is I really don't. There are plenty of nights when I go to bed hoping I don't wake up tomorrow. I have asked God countless times to please take me home in the night. And he doesn't answer. I realize there's a lesson to be learned when God says no, but I haven't figured it out yet. 

I don't count down my days to anything. I don't even daydream of a life past 40. I never have. I don't plan on dying on any certain day, or any certain time, by any certain means. This isn't a cry for help. I promise. Everyone around me knows how treacherous my life has become lately. Everyone is watching me. While I have no doubt that some people would miss me, I know one person who won't. And he's the one who promised me in front of God and everybody a 'til death do us part.

But I promise you this, until God takes me home when he decides, I guess I'll stick around.

Captain America

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

Oh wait. Wrong franchise.

Let's try this one.

When patriots become heroes.... Yes that's right.

Less than a year ago, sitting at a kitchen table not far from here.... We were in counseling. Or so I thought. I'm pretty sure the counselor and I thought we ALL were in counseling. But obviously (in hindsight) only she and I were. HE was not. HE was the one who begged me (after 10 years of me begging him) to see someone. And he wasn't even really into it. Never mind the fact that the other woman in his life never went away. How can you beg me to go to counseling, and then not be invested in it yourself? Somebody please, step in anytime and explain this to me. Anyway, that's not the point of this post. I just wanted to get that feather light feeling off my chest. Not that it really matters, because I'll feel this anvil sitting on my chest for a long time, but hey. WHATEVER.

In one of "our" sessions, Jana (the counselor, and angel sent by God) asked me who my favorite superhero was. Apparently it's no secret that I'm a huge Marvel fan. My good buddy once said to me, "Andy, the only two things you never shut up about are how much you love your dad, and how much you love Marvel." 😁😁😁😁😁😁 So anyway. Back to my superhero. I said my favorite superhero in the Marvel universe would have to be Steve Rogers/Captain America. No I didn't choose him because Chris Evans plays him in the MCU, or any of that. To be honest, I'm more of a Tom Hiddleston/Sebastian Stan girl myself (yay villians!). However, I chose Cap for 2 very specific reasons. He's a patriot and a Christian. 

Before we all have to ask. Yes. I am a Christian. Not necessarily a devout one, and most definitely not a bible thumper. But I know God and he knows me. And you're absolutely right, we could know each other a lot better. I appreciate hearing that people have a relationship with Christ, and I do believe in the power of prayer, but I also respect people who don't.

But this post isn't about that. You wanna talk religion? See you at Star War anonymous. We can discuss the holy trinity of George Lucas then. 

Back to the Captain. Yes he was a Christian. And he was a soldier. He rose above and became more than any ever thought he could be to achieve greatness. My soldier was never destined to be a soldier. He was always the guy who had his friends' backs who wanted to enlist. But he was never "that guy". But then you wake up one morning, and he decides to join the Army. Over the last (almost) 11 years, I have seen so much military greatness come from him. They wanted him for intelligence and computer work, and he chose to be a medic. He has dutifully served with and cared for his fellow brothers in arms, without question. His military accomplishments have made me and everyone else who knows him very proud. 

I sat at Jana's table and told her all the reasons why I was proud of my soldier. Why he was my Captain America. And I think he heard what I was saying. Who knows?

Now I realize he was everyone else's Captain America. 

He is my Winter Soldier. And he will destroy me.

Hazard the world....

The Cardboard Box

I have always had a particular vision of a non-particular cardboard box.

This could have been any box, for anything. It could have been a box that something big and interesting came in, or something uninteresting was traveling through the donation circuit in. This could be a shoe box, or a refrigerator box. It may have been the box I moved into my first apartment in, into my first house, away to a temporary home, back to my house, whatever it was, it was something that could contain whatever I needed it to.

My cardboard box is now empty.

In my heart-shaped cardboard box was very specific feelings. They were filled with unconditional love for someone who has been a toxic person to me. They were unwavering feelings of love, no matter what the circumstances, positive or negative. They were happy feelings, and sad feelings. But they were little bits of love, both easy and tough. He wasn't always a toxic person. But he decided that my love wasn't enough. That there is greener grass. And that the fake landscapes ahead of him were more beautiful than the grass trying to grow all around him. 

He shot a hole in my heart-shaped box and all of the love is pouring out of it. I have tried my best for so long to try to keep at least the happy feelings and memories alive, but they are fading away so quickly. He refused to even acknowledge that there were good times between us before. That there could even be good times again. He said I was nothing to him. That he hopes he never has to see me ever again when this is all over. That I was cancer. That my eradication from his life was the best treatment option. That I deserve to live a life unloved. Because who would want to love someone like me? 

That I should go somewhere far away from him. And be alone and pitiful, and realize how not-so-great of a human being I supposedly am.

And live in a cardboard box.

People of Hart-Mart

I have had the very best fortune of working with a really awesome team of people at my pharmacy. We are more than the average work family, we have each other's backs, and sometimes fronts. (Don't ask) But let me tell you, the things that get said to us, or between us..... Welcome to the loony bin. 

In no particular order:

"Very voluptuous in the booby part." - SS

"The only times my knees be rouged is if they's bruised." - KB

"It is the Bomb-dot com-slash-net-dot org" - NW

"So that's what people mean when they come in asking for a tens unit. I always thought they were asking for "Attend's" unit. You know, like a diaper genie? For old people?" - SS

"Does it smell like somebody stuck a cinnamon stick up their ass?"

"YES!!"

"It's Shittamon." -SH

"Sketch-O-Latapus" -KB

"I hope they don't have calendars at the jail cause I don't want to be getting a mother's day call." - KB 

"He doesn't have his pants pulled up. I think he looks suspicious." - AW

"The guy jumped and the dog dumped." - JU

"I come from a long line of rash scratchers and scab pickers." - Yours truly.

"Andy, this isn't NCIS." - BS

"My grandpa says that the word 'sensuous' is the most important word in a marriage. For example: 'Since-you-is in the kitchen, make me a sandwich.'" - KB

"When she's all made up, and not cockroachy, she's pretty." - VH

"The gloves have me just so discombobulated, Joy. I just can't even." - AF

"What is your hypothesis, Willis?" - AB/KB

"I ain't about having a leg on the chandelier and a foot on the door knob." - AF

"He's leaving??!!?"

"I've been socially constipated forever and he's relieved my bowels!!!"

"I'm crying actual tears!"

"He understood all my rap references!" - KB

More to come!

6 & 7