The non death wish.

Let's be very very clear. 

At least for the moment.

I do not have a death wish. Well maybe so in the non-traditional sense. Yes I would like to experience the inside of a tornado, yes I would like to skydive, yes I would like to race a fast car around a track. Who doesn't have that death wish sometimes? Okay maybe not the tornado one, but still. While I also have a very interesting fascination with death itself (go read Stiff by Mary Roach), I do not necessarily wish to be dead. 

But there are some days I wish I wasn't alive either. And I mean that in the living, breathing, beating heart kind of sense. Yes I know the inventory and location of every sharp knife in the house, and yes I know how little medicinal assistance you actually need to "take care of business". And if you didn't know that I cook a lot of fresh vegetables that require cutting/slicing, or the fact that my day job is as a pharmacy technician, then you might have legitimate cause for concern. So before you suggest drugs, I've never had long term good luck with antidepressants in particular. They're great up front, but once I reach a point of indifference about my life, then I'm more or less right back to where I started, pre-medicine. And indifference isn't the way to live your life. 

The last 2-3 years of my life have been AWFUL. Straight up terrible. Yeah maybe there were a handful of high points, but not enough that outweighed the low points. And for this long I haven't been comfortable being in my own life. It's not entirely my fault, (shout out to the lying, cheating, abusive husband) but I do accept blame for the majority of it. Things have been nothing short of a hurricane in my life these past years. And why would I want to be alive for shit like this? Truth is I really don't. There are plenty of nights when I go to bed hoping I don't wake up tomorrow. I have asked God countless times to please take me home in the night. And he doesn't answer. I realize there's a lesson to be learned when God says no, but I haven't figured it out yet. 

I don't count down my days to anything. I don't even daydream of a life past 40. I never have. I don't plan on dying on any certain day, or any certain time, by any certain means. This isn't a cry for help. I promise. Everyone around me knows how treacherous my life has become lately. Everyone is watching me. While I have no doubt that some people would miss me, I know one person who won't. And he's the one who promised me in front of God and everybody a 'til death do us part.

But I promise you this, until God takes me home when he decides, I guess I'll stick around.