Wear. Your. F*&^ing. Mask.

 Let me just say that the first thing you should know, is that I am not "feeding into the fear."

This pandemic is a very real thing. Obviously.

I just found out last night that my family went to Arkansas AND LIED TO ME ABOUT IT. My sister decided it would be best not to tell me because several weeks back when I found out that they planned to go, I said that our father was definitely not allowed to go because of his kidney status. Or that our mother shouldn't be going either. OR ANY OF THEM FOR THAT MATTER. 

So they went. Right behind the back of the voice of reason. But what would I know? None of them have had symptoms of Covid-19. So that makes it okay. Neither my aunt or uncle who were with them have had symptoms either. So that definitely makes it okay. OKAY?

My father is in end-stage kidney disease and requires thrice weekly dialysis. Once upon a time my dad was a very robust man. Chunky in all the right places and loved to work outside on our house. Then diabetes caught up with him and sent him down dialysis boulevard. Never mind the fact that his brother died from kidney disease after refusing dialysis. We (as in the rest of the family) have decided that "it's not that serious." My favorite thing is "corona won't get me." NO DAD IT WON"T. It will weaken you to the point that your kidneys shut down and then it's game over. But guess what? It will still be because of the virus. 

But again, what do I know? I diligently wear my mask to work and in public. I socially distance whenever possible. I haven't been in my parents' house (2 blocks up the street) in 5+ months. I am literally all alone with my dog in my house because it isn't safe for me to be near other people because I am in contact with patients all day long. And it's entirely possible that one of them currently has it.

Yes I think I've already had it. I had nearly every symptom listed at the beginning of the pandemic. I even still worked, but stayed away from everyone cause that's just what you do when you are feeling crummy. But that doesn't mean I can't get it again if I did for sure have it before. So I'm still taking every precaution I can. And people close to me have had people close to them contract the virus. My best friend has already lost people to it. It's a very real thing folks.

I found out this week that I lost two long time patients who I was very very fond of, to Covid. R was 62, and one of the most physically fit seniors I have ever known. At the gym every day, running and swimming, weights, you name it. Someone who still had so many miles left on him, taken way too soon because of this. And JP, he was in his 90s, but he sure was active. Always bringing food straight from his garden into the pharmacy whenever he was gonna be in the neighborhood. Yes he was old, but he was still taken from us too soon.

So I beg you, wear your mask. Our county numbers are on the downhill slope and can keep going that way if you would just shut up and do it. I assure you, none of us like wearing a mask. Nobody thinks it's easy to breathe in one. Nobody wakes up hype about doing it. So you aren't special. There are those of us required to wear one longer during the days than others, and those of us who benefit from not being in situations where we have to wear one at all.

But for the love of all things holy, WEAR YOUR FUCKING MASK.

The Mental Health Rest Stop

Let me be honest. I can talk about mental health positivity until I am on the next Avatar movie. But let's be real, some days are purely me just talking out of my ass. Because if we are being truthful, my mental health has been significantly lacking lately. Here lately, no amount of sage, stones, well wishes or prayers have been able to lift my spirits. 

And I am so anxious all the time. Today has been one of those days where it's hand-shaking kind of bad. And here's something else that never happens. I can barely look anyone in the eye because of it. That is not something I usually have difficulty with. I generally have no issue staring someone down, but that is definitely not something I'm super strong in anymore. And I don't have any real reason to shy away from people, unless my hormones are going crazy and I'm about to embarrass myself in front of a gentleman. 

So how have I all of a sudden turned into a meek person? And no, there is nothing wrong with being meek. But I am not a shy, submissive person by any means. I am out, proud and loud about having straight up jacked up mental health issues. Am I skittish because my cup feels empty lately? Or did my subconscious discover something about me that I haven't realized yet?

I'm definitely gonna pray on it. 

I spent a long period of time being treated in an unkind matter by someone who promised to love and support me forever. I was super in denial for a long time about it. But I dug myself out of that hole and stayed on an upward trajectory with my mental health. And I will stay on the positive path. But no journey is ever perfect. There are many rest stops, and this is just one of them. I need to gas myself back up and get my cruise control back online. I can't stay in this funk forever or I will just be all the things I swore I would never be on purpose.

Chronic Pain

What do you say to someone who doesn't appear to have a disability? Why do people have the need to 'diagnose" disability based only on what they see? If I can't see someone look sick, then what should I believe? Never mind all the medical maladies that can't actually be seen. 

Like nerve pain. Severe nerve pain.

NON-DIABETIC neuropathy. The kind you get bestowed upon you when your B-12 levels drop out from under you. Not from eating garbage and having high glucose. The kind you get when you still eat plenty of red meat, oodles of greens, and supplement your diet with oral and injectable B vitamins and folic acid. You know, the kind you get when your own body just gives up on you in your mid twenties. 

Have you ever ran your hands under super hot water by accident? Definitely in a "not what I was expecting temperature-wise" kind of situation? Remember that sensation creeping into your soul for a moment and shitting on your spirit? Yes? Now imagine that as a constant feeling. Working it's way up from the tips of your toes and making its way in the only direction it has to go. If the water analogy is too wet for you, try this. Remember getting a blistering sunburn? Remember getting a horribly painful and dry one? Now imagine the dry sunburn on top of the blistering one. So there's that. It's been active and consistent from the tips of my toes to my middle thigh. And new to the game is the neuropathy developing in my upper extremities as well.

And it's difficult to walk most days. Like I have to will myself to let my feet touch the floor first thing in the morning. I stare at the floor while my feet hover above it and I have to count to three and then it's roll out autobots. Once my feet hit the floor I have to be in constant motion until I can mentally wrap my brain around the pain. No amount of pain meds or compression stockings or anything else I've been doing seems to help. 

Every day lately seems like one of the worst days of my life pain-wise. Sometimes I have to sit in my car for several minutes when I get home because I need to psych myself up to walk the 30 feet from the car to the door. Then drop everything and take old girl out to potty. Then I have to accomplish everything I absolutely can in a short period of time, because once I sit down, THAT'S IT. 

So this is what life is sometimes. Constant pain, depression, loneliness, and books.